Old Wounds
by Harlequin Ravenwing
Summary: Following the destruction of the Reapers, Meghan Shepard finds herself unable to perform her duties as an officer in the Alliance. A diplomatic post on Palaven presents opportunity, but working closely with Garrus jeopardises her relationship with Kaidan, and can they ever truly be past Horizon? Rated M for a future content.
1. Mass Effect

**_Author's note: Takes place after the events of ME3, but in order to fill in the backstory for my FemShep, I used a little of the wording from the prologue text in ME3 and expanded/altered it below to try and summarise what had happened since she first saved the Council from Saren and Sovereign way back in ME1. _**

**_Subsequent chapters will be from Shep, Garrus and Kaidan's POV._**

**_Mass Effect and all characters belong to Bioware. I only play with them.  
_**

* * *

Mass Effect

In 2157, humanity discovered it was not alone in the universe.

Twenty-six years later one of their number was called upon to defend the Citadel, the great space station in the Serpent Nebula and the heart of galactic power, from an attack by an army of geth led by a rogue turian Spectre named Saren Aterius. Along with her human and non-human allies, Commander Meghan Shepard successfully defended the Citadel and saved the Council. This action enabled humanity to finally assume a place on the Council itself, and at last earned them the respect of the other races.

However, an even greater threat to galactic peace had been uncovered when Shepard revealed that the monstrous vessel that had carried Saren and his army across the galaxy was in fact a Reaper: one of a race of sentient machines responsible for cleansing the galaxy of all organic life over 50,000 years ago.

At first, the Council chose to ignore the threat, unable to accept that the Reapers had passed from legend into fact. Even when entire human colonies disappeared from the Terminus systems, abducted by the Collectors to be re-purposed and turned into the raw genetic material needed to create a new form of Reaper, they still refused to acknowledge the truth.

Then in 2186, the Reapers finally launched their assault, and the galaxy was plunged into chaos as the old machines began harvesting the populations of entire worlds, human and alien alike. Uniting the races in order to form a defensive force strong enough to face this onslaught, Shepard held them at bay long enough for a joint team of scientists and engineers from all species to construct a prothean super-weapon capable of destroying the Reapers once and for all.

The Crucible.

Turian and human, asari and salarian, quarian and geth all worked together to construct the weapon but found that it was lacking one essential part known as the Catalyst. After consulting with an ancient prothean VI, Shepard was able to determine that the catalyst was actually the Citadel itself, now under Reaper control and in orbit high above Earth in the Sol system.

Surviving a savage ground assault that left many of her comrades wounded or killed, Shepard was able to gain access to the Citadel via an energy transport beam that placed her at the heart of the space station. Following the suicide of the Illusive Man, the head of the human-centric terrorist organisation known as Cerberus who had himself become indoctrinated by the Reapers, Shepard was able to open the arms of the Citadel and enable it to finally join with the Crucible.

The resulting beam of energy that fired out from the prothean super-weapon was amplified through the mass effect relays scattered throughout the galaxy, severely damaging all and in some cases virtually destroying them completely. Two of the Citadel's five arms were all but torn in half, and of the other three, the wards built upon their surfaces had been devastated as the energy crashed over the towering cityscapes.

But most importantly, the Reapers themselves were unable to escape the destructive power of the Crucible and they fell, lifeless and inert as the energy passed through them, ending their gruesome harvest and saving the lives of countless billions.

This victory however, did not come without cost. The energy that destroyed the Reapers also took with it the sentience of the geth and ended all other synthetic life.

Days later, following the blast that had wracked the Citadel, a quarian salvage team assigned to assess the extent of the damage came across the body of a human woman lying amongst the debris.

Incredibly, the woman had survived the blast.

Commander Shepard was alive.

* * *

_I tried not to go into too much detail, as I assume most people will have played all the games anyway, but I figured a quick recap of events before we really get started couldn't hurt. _

_Thanks for reading._

_Quin. xXx_


	2. Whiskey and Brandy

Whiskey and Brandy

Stars streaked across the viewport as the Normandy SR-2 sped toward the Sol system. The ride was usually quite smooth, barely noticeable by anyone who had spent a decent amount of time aboard the ship, but right now you could feel the slight ripple that ran through the hull every time the tiniest bit of space debris was successfully deflected off the cyclonic barriers that shielded the vessel like a protective shroud.

Even more noticeable was the rumble on the starboard side, caused by the makeshift repair to one of the primary antiproton thrusters that had been badly damaged when the ship crashed on the surface of the jungle planet. Adams had had assured everyone that it would hold until they got back to the Alliance shipyards, _if they were even still there_, and to be honest no one had any reason to doubt him. The Engineer was one of the best in the galaxy, and with Donnelly and Daniels running constant checks on everything that could be plugged into a portable diagnostic terminal, anything that gave the team the slightest cause for concern would probably be picked up long before it became a problem.

At least they could be grateful that the tantalus drive was completely unscathed. If it had suffered any major damage during the crash then the Normandy's FTL capability could have been lost and the ship would have only been able to limp along at speeds that would have taken years to get back to Earth and they needed to get back there pretty quick.

Anyway, the whole situation didn't seem to worry Tali too much, so that was reassuring. The quarian had been on board when the mass effect relay exploded, nearly destroying the Normandy in the process. Good job, as she'd been on hand to help Adams with the patch jobs they'd had to perform to get the ship up and running again. Truth be told, nobody could work with tech like the quarians and Tali was one of the best.

Currently she was down in the AI core trying to get EDI back online. Just after the explosion when the shockwave hit, everything had gone haywire including the mobile platform that EDI had been using to accompany the away team on missions. It was like she'd just been ripped right out of it, leaving her synthetic body as hollow and empty as a broken doll. Tali figured something must have happened to short her out, maybe a lingering residual effect of the crucible blast affecting the AI's systems but as of yet, she hadn't managed to identify the problem. After working on it for days, she was now hoping that there was a chance EDI's personality was still around somewhere, maybe lost in the ship's mainframe, or stored as backup in some as yet undiscovered sub-routine, but it wasn't looking too good.

As much as she was an essential part of the ship, EDI was also one of the crew and her loss affected everybody, especially Joker. The cocky pilot had formed a pretty strong bond with the increasingly human AI, and for her part EDI appeared to care for him in a way that was anything but artificial. Over time, their relationship seemed to have gone from one of friendly antagonism to something approaching genuine affection and maybe even love, and ever since she'd been gone, Joker had become increasingly quiet and distant. The poor guy still insisted on staying at his post though, determined to pilot the Normandy safely back to Alliance space, but every now and then you could see him looking toward the co-pilot's chair and his face would take on an expression like his heart had been torn out. If anyone asked him about it, he just said that he was focusing on his duties because without EDI's support, he was their best chance they had to make it back home.

God knows after everything they had been through, they needed to get back to Earth as soon as possible.

They'd left too much behind already…including her.

Including Meghan Shepard.

With an anxious sigh, Major Kaidan Alenko swallowed down the last mouthful of TM88 and then topped up his glass. The Peruvian whiskey wasn't as smooth as the good stuff back home, but it had been a gift from Meghan and if nothing else, it was worth savouring for that reason alone.

Jesus…he still couldn't believe she was alive.

Last time he'd seen her she'd been with ground force Hammer under the command of Admiral Anderson, preparing for the final push to the energy beam they'd hoped would carry them up to the Citadel. He could still see her now, firm and resolute as she delivered a speech that made them all feel like they could achieve anything, even defeating the Reapers. She had spoken with such pride and such passion, that at the time it was as if nothing could stand in their way and they would beat the enemy by sheer willpower alone! At that moment he'd been ready to follow her into the jaws of death if need be, the only woman in the galaxy who he could imagine spending the rest of his life with.

The only woman in the galaxy he'd ever loved this much.

But then she'd told him she wanted him back aboard the Normandy, it had hurt like hell.

Strategically and logically, it was the best decision of course. While Shepard was planetside in London, he was the ranking officer aboard ship and somebody needed to be there to co-ordinate the fire-support and oversee any evacuation drills. Vega couldn't do it, as the big lieutenant was leading his own ground assault team, providing a distraction to the occupying Reaper forces that would enable Shepard's team to get in close and meet their objective. Admiral Anderson was going in with Shepard herself, and Admiral Hackett was half a galaxy away with the fleet accompanying the Crucible.

So when it all came down to it, it had to be Kaidan.

Of course a part of him had wanted to object, to pass the buck onto someone else just so that he could he spend a few more precious moments with the woman he loved before it all went to hell. Nevertheless, he was an Alliance Officer and Council Spectre. He knew what his duty was, and he was willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. There were people counting on him, men and women, human and alien, soldiers and civilians alike and however he felt about Shepard, that had to come first.

So in those last few moments before she left, he'd settled for holding her tightly in his arms, feeling her armoured body pressing against his and smelling the ash and ozone that clung to her soft, dark hair. She'd seemed a little awkward somehow, maybe thinking about the looming assault, but when he'd looked into her cool grey eyes there had been something that just, well…something that just wasn't there, almost like a part of her was someplace else. He'd wanted to ask her about it there and then, to know what was really going on inside her mind, but time and circumstances were not on their side and all he could do was kiss her tenderly, passionately and hope that she understood how he felt.

And then she was gone.

Things escalated rapidly after that. The Alliance forces dug in around the city were churned up like they were in a meat grinder, with even the krogan reinforcements struggling to hold back the onslaught from the multitude of husks, marauders and brutes that swarmed all over the area. But Kaidan had done what he could, using the Normandy's weapons to provide some serious fire support to the troops down below and somehow, they held back the tide. Sometimes it was like he could still feel the rumble that pulsed through the Normandy's decks as the enormous thanix cannons blew holes the size of small asteroids in the Reaper forces. Harvesters and drones all tried to take them out as they blasted away at the enemy, but between the ship's defences and the combined talents of Joker and EDI, the Normandy either evaded or shrugged off the worst they had to give and then blew them out of the sky.

Then the call came in.

Kaidan swallowed hard as his throat tightened with the pain of memory, and he slowly refilled his glass with hands that were trembling like he had a palsy.

When EDI had announced that one of the away team had been injured and needed immediate evac, Kaidan had felt his world turn upside-down, but a second later he heard Shepard's sharp military voice barking orders into the radio and he immediately sprang into action.

The LZ was hotter than the surface of the sun and enemy forces were crawling all over the goddamn place, but that wasn't the worst of it. Harbinger had landed right next to the beam and the monstrous Reaper son-of-a-bitch dominated the whole area, destroying anything that strayed into its path. Mangled bodies and wrecked vehicles lay scattered around it as if cast down by an angry vengeful god, but incredibly the surviving members of Hammer just kept on fighting, hunkering down amongst the blackened wreckage and just waiting for the opportunity to make a run for the beam.

Chakwas has been the one to go down to the shuttle bay when it opened, insisting on being there to treat the wounded as soon as they were aboard. As much as he wanted to be there himself, Kaidan had remained in the CIC to co-ordinate the extraction and monitor the situation. With a Reaper sitting right in their path and a shit-load of hostiles headed their way, it was going to be touch and go whether they could safely take off once everyone was aboard. Even then, they'd be struggling to achieve safe distance before they were thrust into the midst of the battle that was now raging high above the atmosphere of the planet.

Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire…

Suddenly there was a lot of com chatter, with Chakwas barking orders to the emergency medical team and asking someone to look after Liara while she took care of her patient. Kaidan's heart leapt into his throat as he saw Specialist Traynor flash him a look of alarm, but then he heard the Doctor calling for fifty cc's of medigel and ten units of dextro-plasma…

It wasn't Shepard who had been injured, it was Garrus!

For over three years, the tall turian had been like her shadow. He'd been right beside her when she'd taken down Saren, he'd been along for the ride when she had destroyed the collector base and even now, he'd been the one she'd selected to be part of her team for the ground assault.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably and took a sip from his glass.

Shit.

It was dumb and inappropriate feeling jealous of the guy when all he'd done was follow orders and help to keep Shepard alive through some pretty tough times, but it wasn't as simple as that.

There had been…rumours.

It was locker-room chatter mainly, mostly off-hand comments made by some of the ex-Cerberus personnel that had been kept on once the Normandy had been handed over to the Alliance. They'd said that Shepard and Garrus were, well, more than _just friends_ and it had been kind of common knowledge among the crew.

Oh yeah, that had hurt.

Of course he'd asked Shepard about it back when he was in Huerta Memorial, and to her credit she hadn't bothered to deny it. After all, it happened during a time they weren't together and Kaidan had to acknowledge that maybe if he hadn't reacted so badly to finding out that she was alive and working with Cerberus at the time…

Sure, he'd owned that and was ready to move past it.

Still, it didn't make it any easier to swallow though, despite the fact he'd never pressed the issue any further with her. How could he? She'd admitted it, Kaidan had said he accepted it, and that was that.

Only problem was that Garrus was still around, and seeing him every day was a constant reminder that the turian had been with Shepard when Kaidan had made the mistake of walking away from her. Garrus was the one she treated like an unofficial XO. Garrus was the one she consulted when she needed an alternative view on a mission. Garrus was the one she turned to when she needed to talk and sure enough, Garrus was the one she'd taken along with her on that last mission.

A mission Kaidan knew she didn't expect to come back from alive.

Christ…her last possible moments on Earth and she'd wanted to spend them with the goddamn turian.

What the hell was up with that?

And what the hell was up with him?

Was he really so frikkin' jealous that he was now second-guessing the reasons behind the Commander's decisions about who she took on away missions?

"Shit…" Kaidan muttered under his breath as once more he lifted the glass to his lips and drained the contents.

This had to stop. There was no point dwelling on the things that had happened in the past and it was time to move on. He had to stop doing this to himself! He had to learn to live with the fact that he'd almost lost Shepard because he'd acted like an asshole, hurt her really bad and pretty much pushed her straight into the arms of that stiff turian bastard who wasted no time in getting her into bed…

Or at least that's what he wanted to think, and he wasn't about to ask Shepard for the details when he saw her again. As far as she was concerned, Kaidan was past this and he didn't want to revisit something she thought was history. No. There was only one other person who could tell him the truth of what really happened back then, and he was due here any second. Garrus was nothing if not punctual…

As if on cue, the door chimed once and the tall turian stalked into the lounge.

"Garrus. Thank you for coming."

"You said you wanted to see me, Major." Garrus' reverberating voice was calm and even, something Kaidan _really_ envied him right now.

He nodded stiffly by way of reply, and then slid a bottle along the bar. "Drink?"

The turian sniffed and then shrugged. "I'd rather not, if you don't mind…"

"Have a drink." Kaidan insisted, now looking up at him with a challenge in his dark, brown eyes. "I really need to talk to you, and frankly I think we'd both feel better if we pretended this was going to be an easy conversation."

Garrus' plated brows creased as he looked from the bottle to the man before him, but then he leaned over the bar top to grab a glass and settled himself on one of the barstools.

"Turian brandy, huh?" He said, examining the label before pouring a double-measure of the bright blue liquid. "Good colour, nice vintage. Where d'you get it?"

Kaidan flinched and poured another shot of whiskey. "Shepard's quarters."

"Ah." Garrus avoided his gaze and downed his own drink in one gulp. "So that's what this is about."

"Was it ever going to be about anything else?"

The turian shrugged. "Guess not."

He didn't speak for a while after that, just helped himself to a refill and swirled the brandy round in the bottom of his glass.

Normally Kaidan could get a good read on people, from observing the micro-expressions on their face and reading their body language. If that didn't work then there was always the faint emotional traces he could pick up if they were feeling particularly agitated. A convenient side-effect of being a biotic he supposed, but right now from Garrus, he was getting nothing at all. Maybe it was because turian faces were shielded by leathery plates, or maybe it was because he tended to be so damn calm all the time but whatever it was, he was giving nothing away and didn't look like he was about to volunteer anything anytime soon.

Right, fine.

He would have to do this the old-fashioned way...

"Just tell me this." Kaidan sighed, tension twisting up his guts and knotting the muscles at the top of his spine. "Was it just a one-off, or were you sleeping with her the whole time?"

"Excuse me?" Garrus' pale eyes hardened and his mandibles flickered in agitation.

"Shepard." Kaidan stated, trying not to give in the jealous anger that was clawing at his nerves. "Was it just the once with you guys, or is this something I should be worried about."

"Now just a spirits-damned minute, Major." The turian became rigid, but held his cool. "Whatever happened between Shepard and me, I don't actually think it's any of your business."

"None of my business…" Kaidan snorted. "You're seriously telling me that it's none of my business to know if the woman I love was screwing you for kicks, or because deep down you're really the guy she wants to be with! Jesus, Garrus...I guess they do things differently on Palaven, huh?"

"You tried asking her these questions?" Garrus asked through sharp, clenched teeth.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. "Actually yes."

"What did she say?" This time, there was a definite flutter in Garrus' smooth voice.

"Nothing much..." Kaidan replied, staring into his empty glass. "I mean she said she was sorry, but she didn't elaborate."

This time it was Garrus who snorted. "And you think I will? You really don't know me at all, do you?"

"I thought I knew you better than to sleep with her the second my back was turned, or were you just fucking her the whole goddamn time we were tracking Saren..."

"You're out of line Major." Garrus had risen to his feet and his tri-fingered hands were bunched into tight fists. "I suggest you get a grip on that attitude before you say something you'll regret."

"Something I'll regret!" Kaidan stepped in close and stared unflinchingly into his cold, blue eyes. "What, you mean more than I regret walking away back on Horizon? More than I regret spending a year, _a whole fucking year_, believing she was dead when she was actually chasing round the galaxy with you and Cerberus? And speaking of which, how come you never told me, huh? How come you didn't bother to send a message to the Alliance, or to the Citadel Council to let them know that Shepard was alive, or did you just want to keep that minor detail to yourself…"

"For your information, Major, I didn't know she was alive until I saw her on Omega and at the time, we were too busy trying not to get our asses shot off by a bunch of pissed-off mercs!"

"Oh yeah, that's right _Archangel_. You were just too busy playing vigilante to let anybody know that Shepard was back and helping to drag your sorry ass out of a situation that you got yourself into…or was it that you just weren't sure about her at the time, and perhaps you had the same doubts I had that _maybe_ it wasn't Meghan Shepard back from the dead and just some Cerberus trick…"

"You're pathetic." With a snort of derision, Garrus settled himself back onto the stool and poured another drink. "Truth is, Major, I never doubted her."

"Really, and why is that exactly."

"Because when I looked into her eyes, I knew it was her. How, in the name of the spirits, didn't you?"

Kaidan felt as if he'd just been punched in the gut and he staggered backward, landing awkwardly against the bulkhead.

"I thought so..." Garrus continued, swallowing down a large mouthful of brandy. "That's actually the thing that's bugging you isn't it? The fact that you didn't hesitate to turn your back on the woman you say you love because you were hurting, whereas I knew from the moment I saw her again that it was her, and that I'd readily follow her into hell and back again. That's the real issue here…that you didn't believe in her and you let her go. "

"What…no…fuck..." Kaidan gasped as his throat clogged with emotion. "Maybe…maybe you're right I don't know, but there's something else, isn't there."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh yeah, yeah you do." Finding strength from growing certainty, Kaidan stepped back over to his seat and sat down. "See I guess I may have been scared of letting her back into my life back then, but you're scared as hell of letting go of her now."

The turian slowly turned toward him.

"I'm right aren't I?" Kaidan sighed as he pressed his hands to his temples. "Ever since we heard from the fleet that Meghan was alive, you've been different, like there was something you were waiting for. I get it now."

"And what is it you think you get?"

"You're in love with her too."

"Spirits…" Garrus' shoulders slumped and when he finally looked at Kaidan, there was real emotion in his eyes. "Yeah, I admit it. I love her. I mean I'd always admired her, both as a soldier and as a Spectre, but the closer we got, the more I realised I had feelings…damn_. _I didn't intend for it to happen, especially knowing how she felt about you, but after she helped me with Doctor Saleon…"

"But that was three years ago…" Kaidan felt himself bristling again. "Are you telling me you _were_ with her back then?"

"No, no, no!" The turian shook his head. "I said I _had feelings_ for her then, but she didn't know. I only acted on them when I thought it was over between you two, after you blew her out Horizon." He poured himself another brandy and swallowed half before continuing. "And you know what, Major? You'd have done the same thing in my position."

"Yeah." He reluctantly agreed, following Garrus' example and pouring himself a glass of whiskey. "I probably would."

For a time it was easier to drink rather than talk and god knows after everything they had said to each other, Kaidan felt like they needed to. Garrus must have been feeling the same way as the turian was content to remain in place, slowly emptying the bottle of its blue contents. It wasn't exactly a companionable silence, but there was a definite truce between them and the atmosphere sure felt a little clearer than it had a half-hour ago.

Egos aside, they probably had more in common than either of them would care to admit and deep down, Kaidan knew that Garrus wasn't really a bad guy. If that was the case, Shepard would have seen right through him the moment they met and wouldn't have given him the time of day. Instead, as much as it stuck in Kaidan's craw, she trusted the turian enough to let him into her life as a close friend and then eventually as a lover. Just how far did her feelings go, though?

Was it always going to feel like this, with Kaidan doubting himself every time they were together, wondering if she was really thinking of Garrus when she was with him? Sure, when they spent that last night together on the Normandy before they hit Earth, it had been one of the most incredible experiences of his whole life and he knew that in that moment, Shepard had felt exactly the same way.

But it was a different time, a different situation with the lives of every sentient being in the galaxy hanging on their actions and everything had seemed more _intense_.

Now, with the danger passed and the dust settling, what was really left between them? He'd only really gotten so involved with Shepard because of the situation with Saren and the goddamn Reapers. If things hadn't panned out the way they did, she'd have probably been off the ship performing Spectre duties for the Council and he'd still be a lieutenant aboard the SR1, or maybe working with biotic division training up a bunch of new recruits.

He had to face it.

In a galaxy without Reapers, would a woman as strong and determined as Meghan Shepard ever have settled down with a guy as emotionally involved as Kaidan Alenko...?

"So…you think she's okay?" The silence was broken and the flanging in Garrus' voice seemed more pronounced.

An effect of the alcohol, most likely.

"I hope so." Kaidan answered with a sigh, his own head starting to feel a little light. "I just want to see her again, Garrus. I just want to see that she's alright, you know?"

The turian simply nodded and then weaved his way over the door before pausing, his finger hovering over the circular green interface.

"Just to be clear, Major." He said without meeting Kaidan's gaze. "I never wanted to come between the two of you. I hope you know that."

"Yeah." Kaidan answered, feeling tired of the whole thing. "Thanks, I guess."

The turian waited a second more then disappeared through the door with an unsteady lurch. If he felt anything like Kaidan did right now, he'd probably have one helluva hangover in the morning.

Draining the last dregs of whiskey from his glass, Kaidan climbed to his feet and then crossed over to the viewport to resume watching the stars pass by as the Normandy raced toward Earth.

Somewhere out there he knew that high in orbit above the planet, recuperating aboard an Alliance medical cruiser, Meghan Shepard was waiting for him.

He wasn't sure how badly injured she had been, or what she would say when they saw each other again, but he was certain of one thing.

He'd always love her.

No matter what happened…


End file.
